Attachment isn’t a theoretical concept that remains in textbooks. It’s skin. It is a look. It’s presence. It’s that deep feeling of knowing there’s a place we can return to when everything inside becomes disorganized.
When we talk about secure attachment, we’re talking about more than just parenting. We’re talking about mental health. About human relationships. About the possibility of living life with confidence, flexibility, and support.
The bond that grounds us
From the moment we are born, our deepest need is not to learn, nor to obey, nor to perform… It is to feel safe and loved.
Attachment theory—supported by decades of research in neuroscience and child development—tells us something we’ve already sensed in our hearts: What builds a human being is not only what they experience, but how they are accompanied in what they experience.
When a baby cries and someone comes to him, he learns that his emotions are valid. When he falls and someone comforts him, he learns that the world can be kind. When he explores and someone celebrates him, he learns that he can trust himself. That’s secure attachment: A firm base from which to explore the world, and a tender refuge to return to when it all becomes too much.
COSP: A map to cultivate the connection
The Circle of Security Parenting (COSP) program—backed by the WHO and decades of research—offers something valuable: A simple, visual map that helps parents, and professionals read the emotional needs underlying children’s behavior. It reminds us that:
- Parenting is not about controlling, but about accompanying.
- Mistakes are not failures, but opportunities for repair.
- There are no perfect mothers or fathers, but there are sufficiently secure bonds.
This doesn’t mean being available all the time or doing it perfectly. It means being present in a sufficient and predictable way. To be a safe base and a reliable refuge.
What if I didn’t have secure attachment?
Many people feel fear or sadness when they look at their own story. Perhaps there were no arms. Perhaps there was no listening. Perhaps they learned to survive, not to trust.
But attachment is not a destiny. It is a way of being in a relationship that can be learned, practiced, and cultivated. And for that, it’s not enough to understand. You have to experience safety firsthand. That’s why, beyond the tools, what truly transforms happens in human encounters: when someone looks at you with presence, when you can name what hurts without being judged, when you feel you’re not alone.
The link transforms
When we offer a secure attachment to our daughters and sons, we are giving them something immense: An emotional compass. A “I see you” that stays with us forever. A “You can go… and you can also come back.”
And in doing so, something within us is also repaired. Because accompanying from a place of safety often means being accompanied from it.
Attachment is the foundation of everything. Not because science says so (although it does). But because we feel it in our bodies when something hurts, and also when something blossoms. And if today you’re on that path of wanting to understand, accompany, and grow in relationships, I want you to know that there’s room for you. I’m with you.
